.bOO.

Dilemma

2008-12-27T01:47:00.004+08:00

I am so lost right now.

love is the reason why we are here.
we are born because of love
we are here to spread it.
now i have found it
but i'm actually putting it aside for other stuff.
how contradicting isn't it.

someone tell me what to do.
haha. :/.

Ignorance is bliss

2008-12-26T01:23:00.006+08:00

feigning silence,

i am really not sure about what i did,
i fell into a pit,
desperately trying to get out of it to get a better view of things.

i'm so damn sober about what i'm doing,
something which i've never done before,
something which i'm so damn unsure about.

i'm so sorry if i have to leave like that,
it's because i'm afraid i'd turn back,
and my life will get screwed up again.

i do still love you,
that's the reason why i had to escape,
to run away from it.
i'm easily influenced, easily changes my mind.
i definitely don't want that to happen.
i'm sorry i had to do this, feign drunk or whatever you call it.
don't look up on me, and i hope you like the present i gave you.

loves, retard.

NewUrbanMale

2008-12-25T03:46:00.009+08:00

reached home at 3 plus.
went out after work with my colleagues and my boss, Shenzi.
he's a wonderful guy. though he's gay.
lol. haha.

felt emo for awhile,
felt me and my baby couldn't make it through the third month.
it's not cause my feelings for her have faded.
it's cause i do not have time to love her.
don't wanna treat her unfair.
i love her.
i want the best for her.
as well as me lah.
well, it's really gonna be a major change in my life without her.
hope i am doing the right thing
mature is the bhb way of saying this, but i do love her still.

i hope she reads this cause i'm not gonna ask for a break-up.
just remain silent about loving each other.
how romantic right.
haha.
love isn't just the thing for me right now.
i may have changed cause of alot of things going on,
work, dance, gym, more importantly, studies, friends and family.
baby i just hope you "always be my baby".
mwa. <3.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

All Over Again

2008-12-22T14:48:00.003+08:00

First thing first!
out to all those people out there who read my blog who has photos of danzation,
please please please send me!

***************************************************************
it's gonna be busy weeks starting from now till school starts.
catching up with secondary school friends,
close friends,
and also my baby!

she's a poor girl,
her boyfriend has no time for her. :D.
i'm guilty but at least we're able to keep it tgt.

*************************************************************

Dance is Love.

Danzation `08

2008-12-20T01:38:00.003+08:00

Danzation `08

LOVES, NRA, DANCE
nothing can stop us now,
it's the last show for the year,
spread the love to all dancers in Singapore.

time is running out,
i should rest now,
perform my best tmr,
and show the world what we've got.

Dance, Dance, Dance
Dance like there's nobody looking.

After this it will be all work and studies,
and also updating my blog regularly,
updating templates,
and work up on the things i wanted to do.

Last but not least, DANCE IS LOVE, NRA IS LOVE.
i will never forsake this ever again.

Nothing can make up for this

2008-12-16T01:46:00.003+08:00

Almost - Tamia

Can you tell me
How can one miss what she's never had
How could I reminisce when there is no past
How could I have memories of being happy with you boy
Could someone tell me how can this be
How could my mind pull up incidents
Recall dates and times that never happened
How could we celebrate a love that's too late
And how could I really mean the words I'm bout to say

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

I cannot believe I let you go
Or what I should say is I shoulda grabbed you up and never let you go
I shoulda went out with you
I shoulda made you my boo boy
Yeah that's one time I shoulda broke the rules
I shoulda went on a date
Shoulda found a way to escape
Shoulda turned a almost into
If it happend now its to late
How could I celebrate a love that wasn't real
And if it didn't happen why does my heart feel

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

(sometimes I wanna rub ya, some nights I wanna hug ya)
And you seem to be the perfect one for me
You (some nights I wanna touch ya but tonight I wanna love ya)
You're all that I ever wanted
And you're my everything yes its true
Boy its hard to be close to you
My love
I know it may sound crazy
But I'm in love with you

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Just let me take my time and reminisce
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had
Never almost had you

I missed the times that we almost shared
I miss the love that was almost there (sometimes I wanna rub ya)
I miss the times that we use to kiss
At least in my dreams
Let me take my time and reminisce (but tonight I wanna love ya)
I miss the times that we never had
What happened to us we were almost there
Whoever said its impossible to miss when you never had
Never, never almost had you (but tonight I wanna love ya)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Love hurts,
You broke my heart.

**************************************************

It's danzation this friday and saturday.
It's training almost everyday till 10.
11.30 i reach home wanting to see her.
but i can't find her cause there's training the next day again.
I cannot sacrifice for her,
but thing is, She doesn't seem to understand.

Tmr i get a free day off and i want to spend it with my baby.
But shes no longer my baby.
She claims she loves me.
I don't feel it.
Now i need her non-wavering support.
She failed.
I don't have time for her.
She wants a break-up.
I tried to reach into her the past two days.
I failed.
I tried for the last time at around 1.50am,
I failed again.
All these is hitting me so strong that,
Now i want a break-up.
Yes, i did make her feel shit too by flirting.
I did my best to tell her but to get this shit.
I did make her feel like shes waiting for nothing.
I did my best to patch things up.
I want to find her, but NOT at the expense of feeling shag tmr for training.
What would you do if you were in my place?
Tell me about it.

Holidays

2008-12-10T01:56:00.006+08:00

NO TIME AGAIN!
it is ever gonna be so busy again for me,
performance in a week's time straight after exams(THINKING OF THIS MAKES ME ESTATIC),
work after performance week(need to pia),
create a post for my great grandfather(need at least 1 to 2 hours),
update my template for blog(need a full day),
and so on and on and on and on.

when can i ever get a good rest :/.
anw,,, let's look at it in a better way,
i'm SUPER BLESSED right now,
and from all the things i have right now,
i have to HOPE, CHANGE, IMPROVE, STRIVE, MAINTAIN AND CHERISH.

I L.O.V.E YOU BABY.

~~
(._.)

Shag

2008-12-04T08:21:00.002+08:00

this is one hell of a crazy edit for a html noob for me.
did this blog throughout the night cause there's too many things i don't know.

anw, i did complete it half way.
i still want to touch up on the side bars.
there's no music, no wishlist and etc.
well i'm really shagged now and i'm typing in a nonsensical manner.

nights guys :).

Dance

2008-12-03T01:54:00.002+08:00

this will be quite a short post.
haha.

trained and cleaned moves just now and perspired like a dog.
this sucks cause performance is in like 2 FREAKING WEEKS.
AND EXAM STARTS THIS SAT AND AND I STILL HAVE TRAINING!
RAWR!
hope i dont forget my steps which i just prac. :/.
and pray that i dont forget moves. haha. ESP during performance.

anw, i'm really tired and i should go bathe now.
ciao ppl!

Time

2008-12-01T19:52:00.002+08:00

BABY! HAPPY ONE MONTH ANNIVERSARY! LOVES! :*.

hahaha. its one month since we are together.
let's all work hard to stay together forever!

hmmm. it's been months i talked to hui ling.
this joker retained!
i can't believe this but,
nvm, life still goes on and i believe from this she can be stronger. :).
just like how i became less vulnerable to setbacks.
your a really nice girl and you should cherish life even more. :).
SO STOP GAMING SO FREQUENTLY AND GET A LIFE!

lol.
this post is for you, LOW HUI LING the retarded joker that sat beside me.
baby, dont jealous! haha. :D.

Family

2008-11-30T02:44:00.005+08:00

after visiting my great grandfather's wake, i realised i should make an effort to know all my relatives.
reason why i have to do it is cause i might have no chance of meeting them up after this wake.
it will be very enriching for me too to know how many relatives exactly i have.
and and! the wake is called a xi shang. which means that crying is not allowed!
interesting right? hahaa. and this is only for people who live above dont know how many age. lol.

I FUCKING LOST THE LAST PHOTO WITH MY GREAT GRANDFATHER! FUCK! ):. ARGH.

talked on the phone with baby just now and crapped quite alot with her.
and this baby of mine is damn retarded.
i love her manys manys man! :D.
its really late now and i have gym tmr at 10am.
ill just stop here and continue tmr :).

Life and Death

2008-11-29T11:53:00.004+08:00

:(. My great grandfather just passed away around midnight.
he was 101.

how unbelievable he just passed away. :'(.
he lived through world war 1 and 2, had a wonderful life with uncountable children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and great great grandchildren.
he is pride to his TAN successors,
and a wonder to the rest of the world.
though the times with him were just vague in my mind, he will always be part of my memories.

last but not least,
this will be a 101 year-old great grandfather story to be told to all my children, grandchildren and even my great grandchildren.

love to my great grandfather, Tan something something. (:X. i'm gonna find out tonight at the wake)

Love

2008-11-27T16:06:00.010+08:00

i love her more and more now,

and i believe our relationship has stabilised after one big shit.
she is putting in effort into our relationship and i can see it,
just make sure other guys see it too cause they are just flowing into her life and screwing mine up.
lol i'm not jealous.

she's still afraid of losing her friends.
bad thing is, all except one of her closer friends are guys
good thing is, i'm still quite fine with this.

***
however, it's her other random guy friends,
something i know about them is that these guys are her boyfriend-wanna-bees.
this sucks especially when i can't do anything about it.
therefore, she has to convey that she's attached.
it's difficult cause these guy "friends" will definitely guarantee confirm chop leave her for sure as,
being attached = total turn off to boyfriend-wanna-bees

well well, i have to play a part in making her happily attached too, and i will (:
last thing of all,
to all the boyfriend-wanna-bees: lalalala. RUBINA IS MY GIRLFRIEND! what you gotta do about it? get a life lah deh.

Girls are noting but trouble

2008-11-27T02:03:00.004+08:00

hmmm. girls are nothing but trouble and guys like to find trouble for themselves.

i made up my mind, i want to give her the freedom she asks for.
which means, her being single again.
i will not ask for more since in the first place she doesn't want to be attached at this moment of time.
this is something which i have never done before for someone i love but anyway,
i believe i can do it.

i also believe that i will not put anything into a relationship again.
girls suck, and i mean it.

Motivation

2008-11-26T14:19:00.004+08:00

I NEED TO START STUDYING!
motivation is running out since the start of sem and
i'm waking up later and reaching school later
work isn't done, and i'm not studying at ALL.

it is time to WAKE UP!
NO MORE SLACKING! NO MORE PROCRASTINATION! NO MORE LAZY ATTITUDE!

Sacrifices

2008-11-25T23:01:00.008+08:00

hi once again. haha. im finally blogging and not feel weird about it. :D.

woke up late as usual for tuesday, almost got debarred from micro.
took the stairs up 6 FREAKING floors and luckily i made it.
its time i concentrate on my studies and to sacrifice time for my baby.
welll, i did managed to complete my micro tutorials for two weeks st8. (:
a good start isn't it, but...
I JUST REALISED ITS EXAM IN 2 WEEKS OMFG! LOL.

apart from exams, i still want to maintain gyming.
i'll be gyming with china tmr and pushing for muscles! haha.
got my hair cut today, was shorter than the last time i got it cut.

im broke, waiting for pay to be banked in.
need a new bag cause it will give way anytime
need a GOOD CAMERA to capture photos to post here cause its getting too wordy.
all these needs time cause i have to earn the cash.
HAIL NUM! :D.

and baby, i miss u quite a lot since the start of the day.
life without you is real boring can.
just got to remember the priority on hand and not digress into missing you so much.
and you!
better study cause i don't want you to fail cause of us and stuff.

imma go try the impossible mission of starting to study Bstats cause i know no shit on it.
cheers people!

:D. RETARD SIGNING OFF

the heartless break-up
2008-11-24T21:32:00.000+08:00

had a real shagged day. barely slept for 3 hours with a long day at school.
and clique! stop influencing me to think bad about my girl.
i feel so useless for being affected by what they said. anyway, i love my girl the way she is, what she had done which they felt wrong.
it isn't wrong, it's just not acceptable for them for me to love her the way she is.
i give my baby the due respect for a lot of stuff but was condemned for doing so. :/. hope this idiot understands how i felt. ):

and look what i done, wrong for a minute, guilty for a day, blamed for a week, hurt for a month, and etched in the heart FOREVER.
i'll never forgive myself for what i done, but i'll still stay strong and live life the way it was.
needless to say, i still miss my baby. i still love her. it's just that maybe i wasn't mature or ready for another love. i suck totally.
i just have to face the fact that she's pissed off at me, and i have to think over what i done, including not talking to her at all.
which means that life sucks.
but i did succeed in controlling my emotions, not being a total wimp of being afraid of losing a relationship.
i have got lots to tell her but this isn't the time.

maybe the best way now is to give each other time
i will smoke to better control myself, but i promised to smoke lesser. so, i will do it.

alright, thats all. (:

tmr will be a better day, i hope. and i really want her back.
this idiot loves the retard and i know it.

this post is for you, love.
- retard

1st of the 1st

2008-11-24T03:06:00.000+08:00

This is my 1st of my 1st post. Haha. Stayed up till 3.30am to finish up editing my blog.
Lied i was watching porn all the while and she believed.
Pissed her off, and she pissed me off instead cause she thought i was watching porn.
Really shag now already. and forgot all i wanted to post.
but anyway, i had a good time learning about editing the template of my blog and i think i learnt really fast considering the fact i was tired from work.

Well, i have to go sleep already before she starts getting pissed off again. haha. :D.
shes a perfect idiot and i love her the way she is. so guys, FUCK OFF.

Life Management Skills Overview Time!

2008-07-16T00:26:00.000+08:00

Life Management Skills Overview Time!

Well, the past 14 weeks were rather fun for me in lms. especially during the times where my group and i prepared the projects. the lessons were also very beneficial to me, where i learned to control my time better, and even my life. some of the research i did for my project for time-management were also very interesting, and most of them are relevant to everyone of us.

Time and priority management

the biggest impact on me from lms is actually time and priority management. it ACTUALLY teaches me on how to manage my time. and ya, i thought it would be a rather bored topic at first as i know i could manage my life, just because i can do/study at the very last-minute and score a's when others can't. doing things well even at the last-minute IS my forte. however, what i can't stand is the stress and helplessness at the very last-minute, especially when everything on hand snowballs into one huge .. snowball? i will get really irritated at small little things at this point of time, after killing myself with negative thoughts that demoralises me even more. things like why am i wasting my time once again, why am i so lazy and why am i always late start to crowd in my mind and i will feel really bad for people who suffered because of my inability to manage my time. well, i really did have a bad time table. no no, i meant, no timetable and really bad time management skills. there were many times i really felt like breaking down and do nothing as there were too much to be done within a day. this is the effect of bad time management. but life still goes on doesn't it? what i can say is, change myself for the better, or even for the people around me, get the motivation i need and most importantly, use what i learn from LMS.

and yes, after researching through time-management in the net and going through the lessons in mel, i have better managed my time better. lesser procastinations, lesser distractions, more playtime, better reviews of my performances, lesser time-wasting, lesser stress, NO MORE getting irritated when things get undone and NO MORE questions for why i always need more time. BECAUSE, there is prioritising of my goals and priorities in my life. well, how did i do it? very easy. put all my long-term goals and long-term priorities in my mind and just do it. well, my long-term goal in my life is to actually earn a lot of money and become one of the top accountants in Singapore, and also setting up an accounting firm and becoming a CEO. to achieve this, firstly, i MUST get my diploma in Ngee Ann. use this long-term goal as an inspiration to study and it works. for my o's, i motivated myself by studying out with pretty girls. :D. this is also the same for things other than studies. projects, play-time can also be kept at balance. after i manage all these things in my life, i motivate myself somemore by giving treats to myself like more playtime and giving praises to myself. it makes myself feel good and as so, i have the motivation to continue like this. of course, its not so easy to always keep the same motivation cum inspiration. therefore, change it once in a while when procrastinations and distractions step in. LAST BUT NOT LEAST, as for the amount of work i put in for the things i do, i reckon that it has always been 100% if not 110%. therefore, it won't be that tough for me to be successful in the things i do as long as i manage my time and do them. life isn't what you want it to be, it's what you MAKE it become.

Understanding You and Me

Listening

What exactly is listening? Is it just that easy to listen and catch everything the person want to convey? for me, i doubt so. why do god give us just only one mouth but two ears? obviously, its for us to listen more than we talk.

well, one of the external barriers i encountered in my secondary school was weather. everyday it will be really hot after 1pm in school and everyone will start to fall asleep as we could not concentrate in the terrible weather. sometimes, it can also be the teacher's fault! i once had a teacher in my secondary school who taught in a monotonous tone. many classmates of mine cannot stand it and sleep in her class. however, i did not sleep! its because i have self-discipline and also interest in the subject itself. therefore, there's no excuse for me to not listen to teachers due to external barriers for me.

what i feel about listening is that is has always been a natural ability given by god so that we can communicate. but after attending the lesson on listening, understanding you and me, i feel that internal barriers are the ones which causes people to be ineffective in listening. that's because, internal barriers are often self-created and take place within the individual's mind and body, making them harder to detect than external barriers. so its like all these internal barriers are invisible to us. well, i realised that most of the ineffective listening styles are caused by the other internal barriers such as using "filters" and emotions to interpret what the speaker is talking about. one example of an internal barrier is my physical state, where i eventually get bored at the last 30 minutes of tutorial after concentrating for like one and a half hour. its a chore to concentrate for so long you know! especially when the module/subject is difficult to master.

then, once again, my "filter" does affect my performance in listening. i cannot be bothered to listen to who always talk nonsense. however, it may not be as good as he may be asked to convey some important message to me. what i learned in lms taught me to identify the filters i have that determine my perception, reception of ideas and information, and attention during the listening process. and it shows the more positive my perception of the person, the more receptive i am to their views, and the higher the possibility that i will pay attention to what they say. for example, previously, i have worked in sales. one of the reasons for one of my sales was because that certain customer talked to my boss and was convinced by him, as the perception of me as compared to my boss was less convincing of the product i was selling.

however with barriers to listening, there are obviously ways to overcome them, such as our attitude matters, being open-minded, resisting barriers to listening etc.

Since attending LMS, i have come to realize that the root to effective listening is in our attitude. when we have the right attitude towards what we are doing, and in my case, studying, paying attention is not longer a problem as i do know my priorities, and know that i should listen, and not just plainly hear. with the right attitude, ANYTHING is possible.

Anger management

well, i do not really get angry since i retained in sec three, as i always believe that when something happen, something must have caused it that way. there was this big incident before i retained in secondary three, where i was angry at my family for not providing me the basic needs of life which i need, and more importantly, love.

i kept in my anger at my family, especially at my father. he loves to gamble even though we were poor then. at school, my results were equally bad and i mixed with bad company. i often skipped school and stayed home to play games. so, whenever my father saw me playing games at the computer, he would scold me in a very bad manner which only increases my hatred and anger at him. it was then one day that my brother confronted me and i had a breakdown, venting all my anger out at the family for not being able to understand me and not being able to provide me with the needs i have as a teenager. it was a rather emotional situation then, where i even scolded my mother for giving birth to me. this was an example of the outburst i had. my mother then told me the reason why she did not leave my father even though there were so many problems. it was because of my family. she did not want me to live in a broken family. i realised how bad i was and i knew what i had to do. she has been through so much just for the sake of me and my elder brother and sisters. since then i was able to look into other reasons why people were angry at certain things. i believe that there are reasons some way or another that things happen in a way. well, even if i do get angry now, i will look into why people behaved that way and suggest ways i could look around it instead of being angry myself. the last resort i will do is to confront the person and ask him the reason why he behaves like this. :).

Thats alllll! ::)).

Understanding Self-awareness and Self-esteem

2008-04-30T08:29:00.000+08:00

Self-Awareness
I would have to say that self-awareness is slowly accumulated throughout the different phases of life. To me, understanding yourself better through self-awareness is like defining who you really are among your friends and family members. Thereby, it is definitely important to know who you are to the fact that people see you the way you see yourself, especially when you enter the society. Who don't wanna know where you stand among your friends? So... firstly, you must have a clear understanding of who you really are.
The first survey of yourself.
Well, i must say that who you really want to be may sometimes not be who you really are. So, how much do your really know of yourself? Are you not behaving who you are and becoming someone you think u are, or even behaving restrictively in front of people you want to impress just to get in favor? Many a times you start wondering who you are and what you want in life. The way you behave with certain people may be different from the way you behave with others. Now its time to think about who you really are in front of nobody... I am...

0	1	2	3
Almost never	Sometimes	Often	Almost Always

adventurous	2	fearful	1	organised	3
ambitious	3	flexible	2	outgoing	3
articulate	2	foolish	1	overbearing	0
boring	1	friendly	2	passive	3
bossy	1	frustrated	0	patient	3
capable	2	generous	1	physically fit	1
caring	3	good-natured	3	predictable	2
charming	2	happy	3	principled	1
cheerful	3	helpful	3	proud	1
confident	3	independent	2	reliable	3
considerate	3	indecisive	2	responsible	3
creative	2	intelligent	2	stubborn	2
critical	1	irritable	1	self-aware	3
cynical	2	kind	3	sensitive	3
demanding	1	lazy	3	serious	3
dependable	2	logical	2	shy	1
depressed	1	lovable	2	stupid	1
determined	2	loyal	3	supportive	2
disciplined	1	leader	2	temperamental	3
diligent	2	negative	1	thoughtful	3
embarrassed	1	observant	3	tolerant	2
energetic	3	open-minded	2	trustworthy	2
enthusiastic	2	optimistic	1	warm	2

So, whats yours? I must admit that it isn't easy to identify my short-comings. One reason is that we identify the short-comings of others that we forgot about ours. Remember! There is no right or wrong in admitting your short-comings and your attributes, because it is what sets others different from you. Sometimes you think that people do not understand you and start becoming who you are not. In fact, if you want others to understand who you are, you must first understand yourself and that includes your weaknesses. Therefore, it is no EXCUSE to escape who we are and the different short-comings we have.
The Second Exercise - Reflections
Lastly, after reflecting on myself and the different adjectives which best describe me, i have more understanding towards my personality and also the way i behave because of my personality. I'm a confident, cheerful, fun-loving extrovert! Yet, sometimes i can be fairly emotional and temperamental. Being ambitious is what brings me different from many people. I tend to have really high expectations of myself and people around me. Although its good to be ambitious, its also bad if i fall under my expectations. Thats when the emotional part of me comes out. I relate to the issue and think of a way to make me feel better. For example, even though i fall under my expectations, i tell myself that i have already did my best which i really did. And i guess thats all for self-awareness. ~ :}.

Self-Esteem
How much do you value yourself? Do you think you are worth who you are? Or are u even sure about how much you value of yourself and whether you are worth who u are? If you really have such questions in your mind, then you must be a person of low self-esteem. To overcome this, you have to practise standing in front of big crowds and doing things you think embarrass yourself. Actually, such an act is to boost your confidence which in turn boosts your self-esteem. As often, you see people of low self-esteem inconfident in presenting themselves in front of crowds.
Well, i admit i had low self-esteem before i retained in secondary three. I dared not present myself the way i want to be then because i feared that people may not accept me of who i am. Then in the year after i retained, i found out that people accepted me the way i was because i presented myself of whom i accept myself as. Thats when i started having a healthier self-esteem, and now i'm not afraid of showing who i am. SO. Fear not in doing what you want for theres nothing stopping you in doing what you want. Nobody have the rights to stop you, its only what you think that is stopping you. Well, do practise self-discipline as you do so. You may not want to get into trouble because of doing something you like but not morally right. :D.
Thats ALLLLL. stay tuned.